The birth of our son Reggie

The birth of our son Reggie

Being a mother has changed my life forever, it's something that I've wanted and been looking forward to my entire life. The responsibility to raise one of Heavenly Fathers Spirit children here on this earth is a big deal and a big honor.  To create a home where a child  feels safe and loved is what every child needs and deserves in this cruel and rough life. 
My husband and i knew right after we got married that we wanted to start a family and didn't want to wait, but waiting and patience was a hard lesson that we were forced to learn while we tried to have children. after 2 years and a couple of miscarriages we were able to conceive our beautiful son Reggie. On Christmas 2012 we learned that we were pregnant with him and were super excited, hopeful and definitly nervous of losing him. Everyday of those 9 months we felt honored to be pregnant with him and have be apart of our family. The pregnancy went perfectly and we started making plans for what his first halloween costume would be and where we would spend our first christmas together as a family. Matt bought our son outfits with his favorite teams on them so he could take little Reggie to Jazz basketball games and BYU football games and be dressed like a fan. 
through out the pregnancy we learned that little Reggie loved music because he would become very active and move around a lot. ( i loved to feel him move around, sometimes it felt like he was having a party in there ha ha)  there was one song in particular that was me and Reggie's song, and from the moment i knew i was pregnant, it always made me think of him and the love that i had for him and the love he had for me and matt. I learned that he was also kinda shy, he didn't like to show off,, whenever i tried to show him off to others so they could see him moving he would stop ha ha. he was a shy boy that didn't like to be the center of attention. 
some of my favorite memories are when Matt and i would sit and talk to our son, or sing songs to him. i loved our family moments. Even our dog Brody would come cuddle with me and rest his head on my belly. I love my family, they all bring me comfort and joy.

the Last trimester i became pretty crampy and at 37 weeks had already started to dilate. our Dr and us were convinced that our son would becoming sooner than later, but to our surprise our due date came and nothing happened, but the next morning i went into labor and a few ours later the dr broke my water and i began to push. My husband was an amazing coach and i could not of done it with out him!! Oh man was he a great support and comfort to to me during labor! It was important to me to give birth naturually (without an epidural) and to even my surprise i was able to do it.  Reggie was born at 9 lbs 4 oz!! our little miracle wasn't so little ha ha.  To our devastation something had happened and his heart wasn't beating and he couldn't breath and within a blink of an eye our son was gone. 


My husband was in NICU with our son, watching them work to save his life, while i waited in the labor and delivery room to hear more and find out what was going on with our son.  The longer Matt took to come back the worse i felt and knew that something was very wrong. the moment i saw matt walk through the door i knew that our son was gone, but he just stared at me and couldn't speak. Behind him came a new dr that explained that they did everything that they could but they could not save his life and that he had passed away.  i was in shock, my perfect beautiful boy was dead? how could that possibly b
e? my pregnancy had gone great, my labor had gone great .... where and how could something have gone wrong? what did i do wrong? why didn't he want to stay here and be my son? did Heavenly Father not trust me to be a mother? what could i have done different?  a good mother would have known that something was wrong... right? what did i do wrong? why? why? why? 
They cleaned him up and brought him to me and i've never felt so much love in my life. he was my family i could feel the familiarity of him from when i was pregnant with him. He looked so handsome and looked just like my husband and me, there was no doubting who's child he was. 

We were quickly surrounded by family who was waiting nearby to meet there Grandson, Great Grandson and Nephew. Matt and i are so very lucky to have such a loving a supportive family. We needed our family and they were there for us. We had family come from all directions to be there for us. Everyone loved and was excited for Reggie and everyone was shocked and devastated with his passing.
We spent the rest of our time at the hospital holding our son the entire time, we didn't want to let him go. We wanted him in our arms, we didn't feel complete with out him and we knew that very soon we would never get to see or hold him again.  During our time in the hospital we were also blessed peace and comfort. I crave for the peace and comfort again. i know that during that difficult time we were surround by our family members here on earth and we were surrounded by our family members that had already passed away and they were they to love us, comfort us and to give us support and strength. I am very thankful for my savior and his plan of salvation. He came to this earth and sacrificed his life so that we can all return to live with him again. I know that because of our savior i will be able to see my son again, and i will be his mother, and we will be a family for eternity.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is on the Earth again! Through the authorized priesthood power from God on Earth, i have been sealed to my family for Eternity. I love my family and i physically ache at the loss of my son. I never knew it could hurt so bad, i never knew what it was like to be a mother or to know the love and connection a mother has for her child. Reggie was a part of me, he was half of me and half of Matt and with out him near me i feel incomplete, i feel empty and i feel as though something is missing and wrong in my life. I don't know if i could ever put into words or truely express how i feel or how the loss of my son has affected my life.  I am grateful though that i have a savior that will help feel the whole in my heart with love. I am thankful to a loving heavenly father who will comfort me and help me on those really rough days.  
i do feel gypped and ripped off. 
i've learned that people say some really stupid stuff when they are trying to comfort us but i understand that it's meant from their heart. 
Reggie will forever be a member of our family and we will never ever forget him. Even if we are blessed with more children, my arms will forever ache to hold my son Reggie, I miss and love him soo very much!!