Learning to Breath Underwater

It’s a phrase… more like a promise that my mission president would give to us, when we were first starting out or having a difficult time.  I find myself looking back on my mission a lot in life and the lessons I learned while serving the Lord.  It’s pretty cool to me that serving the Lord and sacrificing 1 ½ year of my life to helping bring people to Christ has actually been the biggest blessing to my life.  

My son passed away and I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel as though I have been robbed, like I’m forgetting something, I don’t know who I am or what I am supposed to be doing.  I’m a mother without her child, my dream of being a stay at home mother was within my grasps and then taken away without explanation. 

"That feeling, when you can't find your wallet: 

You backtrack, looking in the same places more than once. You play back in your mind, clinging to memories, rehearsing where you've been. Desperately clinging to memories of the last time you had it with you. Your mind goes to all the things you have held inside it. The value. The investment. Wondering if someone has it. If they plan on returning it to you. 
Suddenly, your very identity becomes vulnerable. A new wallet just won't do. There are important things in that wallet, and more than anything, you just want it back.
Enduring pregnancy and infant loss, it isn't like that.
It's worse!"

My son’s first holiday season is here and he is not. I have a beautiful and supportive family that I know loves us and will help in any way they can, but I can’t help but feel overwhelmed and can’t breathe.  So I think of my mission and remember the promise of learning to breathe underwater and I am hoping that those skills will help during these difficult times as well.  One day at a time, one project at a time and my hope is that I’ll look back and realize that my not being able to breathe will turn into me remembering how to breathe underwater.

People keep asking what do you want for your birthday? What do you want for Christmas? I was was prepared to receive nothing, I was looking forward to my son being spoiled by his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, being fussed over and played with. What do I want for my birthday? What do I want for Christmas?  I want my son, plain and simple.  My son made me feel healthy, happy, loved, important, and special.

I ran into someone the other day and they asked me if my husband was home babysitting the baby and I had to tell them that our son had passed away. It’s amazing how fast the ache in my heart returns and how empty my arms feel. In a flash I am back at the hospital with the doctor telling me they did everything they could but that he had passed away. Then I am overwhelmed and can’t breathe again.

So for now…

 I will remember the mission and remind myself that I learned how to breath underwater once and I can do it again.

I will remember Dora from the movie “finding nemo” and I will “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”

And I will of course and most importantly I will remember my savior and his sacrifice. Without him and the plan of salvation I wouldn't be able to see my son again, which I am extremely grateful for! My Heavenly Father blesses me and loves me and I am thankful that he is always willing to listen and available when I pray and need someone to talk to and love me.

So even though my heart hurts, my arms are empty and I feel robbed, I will focus on the love and sacrifice of my savior this Christmas season. 

No one could ask for a better family

Best Family EVER!

Have you ever wondered who has the best family in the whole world?....well that would be my son Reggie. The moment that he was conceived everyone was super excited to meet him. When we went into labor everyone was ready to meet our awesome little guy and every member of our family had dreams of how they would teach him sports, play hide in go seek, have him come and visit their homes, exciting plans for his first football and holiday season... but the moment the texts and calls went out that something was wrong with Reggie, our family jumped into cars, onto planes and were at our sides within minutes and hours from different states and locations.  When our whole entire world was crumbling around us,  we were being surrounded by our great families who weren't just being sympathetic toward our situation, but they truly did love our son and were mourning with us. It meant so much that our entire family was able to be there for Reggie's funeral and get to see him. We were so proud of our handsome little guy (Matt was very proud that he was a big handsome boy, born with lots of hair on his head). it melted my heart that they all truly loved him sooo much and cared.  it made me feel so proud to have our son be welcomed, loved and missed. he was welcomed and accepted into our family with our question and i even heard family members talk speak of ideas of how they can remember Reggie forever with wrist bands, rings and ideas for celebrating his memory as a family on his anniversary.  Those first few days and weeks were such a drain physically while recovering from giving birth and a chaotic blur of emotions from his death that time was just going by... i remember being at a cemetery, a mortuary and then we were at a funeral. I have no idea how they did it, but i would not have been able to handle losing my son and dealing with all of those arrangements if it weren't for them. My entire world had stopped, crumbled but our families were there to take care of it all and they did, they took care of everything!! every detail, pictures all over the place, programs, cemeteries, obituaries, flowers, bracelets for everyone to have at the funeral. 
I know that losing my son will always be a memory that hurts my heart and cause my heart to ache, but at the same time there are some memories of  our families gathered together that i will always cherish. These memories are of us not really doing anything but of us being together. We were never alone and every morning and everyday we had our family there to just be with us. We talked, watched movies and ate lots of food.  Those are the very sweet memories that i will cherish for the rest of my life because even though i lost my son in a shocking and tragic way, i realized something very important... that i belonged to and was LOVED by an AMAZING family.  Thank you guys for EVERYTHING that you did for us (big, small, things we noticed and especially stuff we may not have) thank you so much!! We love you all sooo much!!
Thank you Reggie for bringing us all together and for showing us how amazingly great and united our family truly is. We learned that every member of our family has a special place and purpose in our family and we wouldn't be the same with out any of them. That is why Reggie will be missed so incredibly much buy each member of our family because the hole that was created in our hearts and family will only be able to be filled by him when we are all together forever with our Father in Heaven I feel so blessed and thankful to have a Heavenly Father that loves us so much to bless us with his gospel on the earth again and a knowledge of my savior's infinite atonement. Being able to see and be with my son Reggie again is possible because of the atonement of our savior Jesus Christ.... Thank you for your love and sacrifice! 

The birth of our son Reggie

The birth of our son Reggie

Being a mother has changed my life forever, it's something that I've wanted and been looking forward to my entire life. The responsibility to raise one of Heavenly Fathers Spirit children here on this earth is a big deal and a big honor.  To create a home where a child  feels safe and loved is what every child needs and deserves in this cruel and rough life. 
My husband and i knew right after we got married that we wanted to start a family and didn't want to wait, but waiting and patience was a hard lesson that we were forced to learn while we tried to have children. after 2 years and a couple of miscarriages we were able to conceive our beautiful son Reggie. On Christmas 2012 we learned that we were pregnant with him and were super excited, hopeful and definitly nervous of losing him. Everyday of those 9 months we felt honored to be pregnant with him and have be apart of our family. The pregnancy went perfectly and we started making plans for what his first halloween costume would be and where we would spend our first christmas together as a family. Matt bought our son outfits with his favorite teams on them so he could take little Reggie to Jazz basketball games and BYU football games and be dressed like a fan. 
through out the pregnancy we learned that little Reggie loved music because he would become very active and move around a lot. ( i loved to feel him move around, sometimes it felt like he was having a party in there ha ha)  there was one song in particular that was me and Reggie's song, and from the moment i knew i was pregnant, it always made me think of him and the love that i had for him and the love he had for me and matt. I learned that he was also kinda shy, he didn't like to show off,, whenever i tried to show him off to others so they could see him moving he would stop ha ha. he was a shy boy that didn't like to be the center of attention. 
some of my favorite memories are when Matt and i would sit and talk to our son, or sing songs to him. i loved our family moments. Even our dog Brody would come cuddle with me and rest his head on my belly. I love my family, they all bring me comfort and joy.

the Last trimester i became pretty crampy and at 37 weeks had already started to dilate. our Dr and us were convinced that our son would becoming sooner than later, but to our surprise our due date came and nothing happened, but the next morning i went into labor and a few ours later the dr broke my water and i began to push. My husband was an amazing coach and i could not of done it with out him!! Oh man was he a great support and comfort to to me during labor! It was important to me to give birth naturually (without an epidural) and to even my surprise i was able to do it.  Reggie was born at 9 lbs 4 oz!! our little miracle wasn't so little ha ha.  To our devastation something had happened and his heart wasn't beating and he couldn't breath and within a blink of an eye our son was gone. 


My husband was in NICU with our son, watching them work to save his life, while i waited in the labor and delivery room to hear more and find out what was going on with our son.  The longer Matt took to come back the worse i felt and knew that something was very wrong. the moment i saw matt walk through the door i knew that our son was gone, but he just stared at me and couldn't speak. Behind him came a new dr that explained that they did everything that they could but they could not save his life and that he had passed away.  i was in shock, my perfect beautiful boy was dead? how could that possibly b
e? my pregnancy had gone great, my labor had gone great .... where and how could something have gone wrong? what did i do wrong? why didn't he want to stay here and be my son? did Heavenly Father not trust me to be a mother? what could i have done different?  a good mother would have known that something was wrong... right? what did i do wrong? why? why? why? 
They cleaned him up and brought him to me and i've never felt so much love in my life. he was my family i could feel the familiarity of him from when i was pregnant with him. He looked so handsome and looked just like my husband and me, there was no doubting who's child he was. 

We were quickly surrounded by family who was waiting nearby to meet there Grandson, Great Grandson and Nephew. Matt and i are so very lucky to have such a loving a supportive family. We needed our family and they were there for us. We had family come from all directions to be there for us. Everyone loved and was excited for Reggie and everyone was shocked and devastated with his passing.
We spent the rest of our time at the hospital holding our son the entire time, we didn't want to let him go. We wanted him in our arms, we didn't feel complete with out him and we knew that very soon we would never get to see or hold him again.  During our time in the hospital we were also blessed peace and comfort. I crave for the peace and comfort again. i know that during that difficult time we were surround by our family members here on earth and we were surrounded by our family members that had already passed away and they were they to love us, comfort us and to give us support and strength. I am very thankful for my savior and his plan of salvation. He came to this earth and sacrificed his life so that we can all return to live with him again. I know that because of our savior i will be able to see my son again, and i will be his mother, and we will be a family for eternity.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is on the Earth again! Through the authorized priesthood power from God on Earth, i have been sealed to my family for Eternity. I love my family and i physically ache at the loss of my son. I never knew it could hurt so bad, i never knew what it was like to be a mother or to know the love and connection a mother has for her child. Reggie was a part of me, he was half of me and half of Matt and with out him near me i feel incomplete, i feel empty and i feel as though something is missing and wrong in my life. I don't know if i could ever put into words or truely express how i feel or how the loss of my son has affected my life.  I am grateful though that i have a savior that will help feel the whole in my heart with love. I am thankful to a loving heavenly father who will comfort me and help me on those really rough days.  
i do feel gypped and ripped off. 
i've learned that people say some really stupid stuff when they are trying to comfort us but i understand that it's meant from their heart. 
Reggie will forever be a member of our family and we will never ever forget him. Even if we are blessed with more children, my arms will forever ache to hold my son Reggie, I miss and love him soo very much!!