Learning to Breath Underwater

It’s a phrase… more like a promise that my mission president would give to us, when we were first starting out or having a difficult time.  I find myself looking back on my mission a lot in life and the lessons I learned while serving the Lord.  It’s pretty cool to me that serving the Lord and sacrificing 1 ½ year of my life to helping bring people to Christ has actually been the biggest blessing to my life.  

My son passed away and I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel as though I have been robbed, like I’m forgetting something, I don’t know who I am or what I am supposed to be doing.  I’m a mother without her child, my dream of being a stay at home mother was within my grasps and then taken away without explanation. 

"That feeling, when you can't find your wallet: 

You backtrack, looking in the same places more than once. You play back in your mind, clinging to memories, rehearsing where you've been. Desperately clinging to memories of the last time you had it with you. Your mind goes to all the things you have held inside it. The value. The investment. Wondering if someone has it. If they plan on returning it to you. 
Suddenly, your very identity becomes vulnerable. A new wallet just won't do. There are important things in that wallet, and more than anything, you just want it back.
Enduring pregnancy and infant loss, it isn't like that.
It's worse!"

My son’s first holiday season is here and he is not. I have a beautiful and supportive family that I know loves us and will help in any way they can, but I can’t help but feel overwhelmed and can’t breathe.  So I think of my mission and remember the promise of learning to breathe underwater and I am hoping that those skills will help during these difficult times as well.  One day at a time, one project at a time and my hope is that I’ll look back and realize that my not being able to breathe will turn into me remembering how to breathe underwater.

People keep asking what do you want for your birthday? What do you want for Christmas? I was was prepared to receive nothing, I was looking forward to my son being spoiled by his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, being fussed over and played with. What do I want for my birthday? What do I want for Christmas?  I want my son, plain and simple.  My son made me feel healthy, happy, loved, important, and special.

I ran into someone the other day and they asked me if my husband was home babysitting the baby and I had to tell them that our son had passed away. It’s amazing how fast the ache in my heart returns and how empty my arms feel. In a flash I am back at the hospital with the doctor telling me they did everything they could but that he had passed away. Then I am overwhelmed and can’t breathe again.

So for now…

 I will remember the mission and remind myself that I learned how to breath underwater once and I can do it again.

I will remember Dora from the movie “finding nemo” and I will “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”

And I will of course and most importantly I will remember my savior and his sacrifice. Without him and the plan of salvation I wouldn't be able to see my son again, which I am extremely grateful for! My Heavenly Father blesses me and loves me and I am thankful that he is always willing to listen and available when I pray and need someone to talk to and love me.

So even though my heart hurts, my arms are empty and I feel robbed, I will focus on the love and sacrifice of my savior this Christmas season.